Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in Stephen Goodfellow's LiveJournal:

Monday, October 17th, 2005
10:15 pm	Backdated Well, what started off as a bit of a slow weekend turned into quite an interesting one. I went round michels place on Saturday night and chilled out; we drank wine and whatched some strange French video. It was class. I’m always nervous when I’m out socialising that people aren’t enjoying my company, but its something im gradually learning to get over. Part of maturing I assume, is to stop trying to be the person you think people want you to be, and be the person you want to be. And on Sunday, I went to church with jenny. Andy Paterson did the talk (he wasn’t going too, but luckily for me events transpired against him). I love listening to his talks, he always seems to say exactly what I want to hear. Yes, it was good to be back at church, I must make a habit of it. What interested me more was Jenny though. Its been a while since ive hanged out with her, but we had a good time, chatting away, talking about profound things like philosophy and personal truth…and Lord of the Rings, naturally. Towards the end, when we were hanging round chatting to people, she did something strange, she took her glasses off. Not something unusual you might think, but Jenny never takes her glasses off, and she looks so different without them. Shes beautiful with them, but without them…wow. Anyway, its such a rare thing, that seeing her without her glasses on left me with a strange sence of intimacy, like I was seeing the jenny behind the mask. But we had a good laugth, and im pretty sure she enjoyed herself too. But then, at the end, we’re driving home and she lets slip that she broke up with ben 3 weeks ago. The horror; suddenly, she’s back in my head. Dammmit, I thought I was past all this. Oh well, I chatted to mich today, he’s bummbed because Annie is giving him grief. He was really into her, but she’s playing him. Or maybe she just doesn’t know what she wants. Is it has hard for them as it is for us? If only people would talk more. (Comment on this)
9:03 pm	Thought for the Day A man's steps are directed by the lord. How then can anyone understand his own way? Proverbs 20:42 (Comment on this)
Saturday, October 1st, 2005
12:38 am	Applegeeks is boring. I've been reading applegeek comics for a few months now, but lately they've become rather dull. The thing with applegeeks is the aurthor was always very prompt; comics would go up on scedule every week. You could load it up safe in the knowlage that it wasn't wasted time. But with the new artwork...it seems to be taking a good week to do a single strip, and most of the time their posted only half finnished. Around issue 200 the comic changed to a serious, character driven storyline and promptly lost every reason I had for reading it. The cute artwork, qwerky characters, geeky humour and teenage romance was replaced by a grainy style with lots of black. Characters have hard angled faces with serious expressions. The main character is now some form of Batman rip-off...which probably has something to do with the aurthors super-hero fetish. Its a shame. It reminds me of Megatokyo; disputes between the writer and the writer/artist about just what the comic should be resulted in a split. The artist wanted to turn it into a job and become a famous manga-writer, and in a way he has. But with the departure of the other writer, all the original internet geek humour has dropped way to nothing. The by-play between the OTT character and the deadly serious character that was always so funny has been replaced with angsty-relationship guru character and OTT comedy sidekick. A pitty. The difference is that when Megatokyo changed it had a long-running story line to build on with a varity of established characters...and Applegeeks doesnt. It simply doesn't work like this. Reading it, I can't identify or care for any of the characters in the slightest. I just don't like it any more. The result of artist self-indulgement or mearly the inevitable side effects of change? Its not for me to say. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 19th, 2005
6:10 pm	The death of Planetside I'd love to have been around for beta. Not for any of the weapon balance back then, the lack of broadcast warpgates or pop indicators, or even indeed BFRs. I'd love to have been around when PS was fresh and original, and people sought out new tactics and better coordinated units. This was meant to be a team game. The zerg, merit whoring, k/d ratios, exp incentives...that’s all people care about anymore. Progress and accomplishment isn't measured in territory gained or lost. Why would the MCG/JH debate be such a big issue if many of the more experienced players didn't prefer tower fights over squad-based combat? To take this thread for example, BFRs aren’t considered ‘skill-full’. Soling a BFR is considered skill-full. Qualify it however you like, it tells you a lot about the mentality of the modern PS player; “I should be able to beat any other player in the game, one-on-one. The game is broken if I can not.” Few care about game balance anymore. All they worry about is weapon balance and quote statistics out of context as if they are the end-all of everything. They believe that regardless of circumstance, 2 players should always loose to 3 of the same skill. BFRs are the prime example of this mentality. Two on two, a Magrider vs. a Peregrine. The Magrider doesn’t stand a chance. Four on two, two Magriders vs. a Peregine. I’d still place my money on the BFR. Six on two, three Magriders vs. a Peregrine. The Peregrine wouldn’t stand a chance, and chances are the Mags wouldn’t take a single casualty. Yet, this is considered ‘unbalanced’ by so many people. It shouldn’t take six people and coordination to defeat two. It doesn’t matter that the BFR pilot is going to wait up to twenty five minutes to get back into the fight, while any Mags lost will take about five. It doesn’t matter that those Mags have done a service to their empire by taking out a heavy enemy unit, and will go on to do the same again. It’s worth nothing that those Mag drivers probably have a greater sense of accomplishment for their hard work. This is the great failure of BFRs in the game, and they don’t even deserve any of the blame for it. They were designed as the Dragons of Planetside, the vehicles that above all would take teamwork and cooperation to fight. But the game population simply wasn’t prepared to do that. Instead, they came up with new and ever more difficult ways of solo-ing BFRs on their own, and whined about the chore on forums in between. I’ve had enough of this. I’ve had enough of the personal attacks, the blatant self-interest and quotes of meaningless personal opinions as if they were made of gold. WHAT HAVE YOU EVER ACCOMPLISHED? This is the last time I’m going to comment on BFRs on this board. If you want to learn how to fight from or against them, send me a PM and I’ll be more then happy to chat. In closing I’ll say this. It wasn’t BFRs that killed Planetisde. It wasn’t bad weapon balance or development mistakes. It wasn’t dodgy netcode and failing performance. It wasn’t new games that stole away subscribers. It wasn’t corporate enterprise. It was all of these things together and as much as anything it was you. You, the person reading this who refuses to accept that the way you play this game has changed as much as anything else. I know this because I see myself changing. I see myself measuring my night’s progress in exp/hour and k/d ratios. Who cares if the merit I’m working on is Armour support Gold? It changes nothing, I’ve become every bit a killwhore. I’d do anything to return to my first few games of innocence. Back when I tk’ed half my platoon because I thought purple names made them Vanu. It was fresh and exciting. Dropping from a Gal made me feel like a Sci-Fi soldier, driving in a tank formation made me feel fucking proud. Where did it all go? What’s left now? God knows Planetside deserves to die. (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 17th, 2005
12:57 am	It was the best of times, it was the worste of times... God knows where that quote comes from. It could be Shakespeare, it could be Dickens…all I know is what I watch on the Simpson’s. Google for once tells me nothing. But it seems a good title, given the day I’ve had. A nice lie-in, a hard driving lesson, a nice reunion with some old friends and a long hard shift at the pub. But I’m home now, and I can play computer games. I don’t have anything profound to say tonight, I only feel it’s important to get into a habit of writing here or I’ll have forgotten it in a week. Still haven’t done any more on my CV or looking for a job…lazy lazy boy. This weekend. Honest. My driving test is booked now however (thank god, but its costing me a small fortune). And tonight on Planetside, we almost took both VS home continents. A rare occurrence and something I can use to rib Enrico later. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 14th, 2005
10:49 pm	The first day of the rest of my life... Yes, I could probably think of something less clichéd to write as my first title, but it’s not entirely inappropriate. Allow me to explain and introduce myself, as briefly as possible. My name is Stephen Goodfellow, 22, and an Engineering student recently graduated with a Masters degree in Aeronautics from UWE in Bristol. There are many things to tell you about my life and the way I perceive the world yet to avoid boring you, dear reader, I’ll try and spread it over the course of several years. One excuse I should make from the start however is that I am an Engineering student, and a dyslexic one at that. This means while my vocabulary is excellent, my writing skills are average. I find it difficult to express myself well outside my own head, so please bear with me if things don’t make very much sense. Getting back to the title, I’ve recently returned from the Royal Aeronautical Society where a very nice lady gave me some very important information relating to my future. In short, she gave me a swift kick up the arse and told me to get on with it. It’s now time to leave Rugby behind and get a real job, a real house and a real girlfriend. But where to start? That’s the part I’ve been having troubles with, but now I’ve got lots of links to companies, advice on CVs and inspiration for the future. I’m going to start reading up on companies, trying to make connections, attending young engineers conferences and getting on with life (http://www.megatokyo.com/index.php?strip_id=19 comes to mind). It’s been a fun summer, but its time to move on. I’m not a kid any more. Thought for the day: “wisest is she who knows she does not know” (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 4th, 2004
10:12 pm	Backdated 04/06/04 Been a little bad at writing in this of late, but its been a good weekend, haven’t had a lot of time to dewl on stuff. Work picked up a bit towards the end of the week. It hasn’t been fun or anything, but its been bareable (mainly because one of my supervisors, Jim hasn’t been around. Don’t like that guy, creeps me out). Decided to work there till the end of next week, good money after all. Will ask pertemps for something new after that, don’t want to get too comfortable in that job, want a range of work this holiday. Been a good weekend tho, went into town with Barney, Lewy, Matt and Mauly and drank some. Talked about sex a lot….we always seem to end up talking about sex when there arn’t any women around. Possible because none of us are getting any. I always stand out in these conversations due to my lack of experience, but I try to involve myself. Even if I do end up looking like an idiot. Friends always say, ‘Yeah, you’re a Christian, you’ve got an excuse’. And yes, that’s true. At least it would be if I were a good Christian right now anyway… If a girl I fancied offered me a shag at the moment, id probably take her up on it without a second thought. Anyway, we went down Ohagens, and it rocked as usual. Music was not very consistant, Matt tried going up to the DJ and asked him to play some heavy stuff, and got an earful for his troubles. Hang out with some people, didn’t talk to many of them. The others have an advantage in that area; they know a lot more people then me. They know guys from high school and even primary school that I’ve never met. Actually, that’s not true. There is one person, but i’ll cover her later. Saw that cute chineese girl again, decided to turn over a new leaf and try it on with her. But rumour has it she’s married… So, I asked Ian what he thought, no idea he said. So I sat down next to this other guy ive run into a few times and questioned him, he knew her quite well. Turns out shes 22 and married to a 20yr old. Shame. But then as im finding this out, Ian goes over and sits down next to her. Awww crap. He did it with the best of intentions, but it was a bit pointless. He told her he was gay, but he had a friend who was interested in her, and was she single? She didn’t belive him at first, then spent the rest of the night trying to find out from him which of his friends it was. I think she knew…but I wasn’t about to inflate her ego by going up to her and admitting it. Although if she asked me directly, I would have revealed all… Anyway, Cat followed Lewy around all night, despite pulling her boyfriend too. She didn’t pay any attention to me. B!tch. Weird music, played Funeral for a Friend and Mars Volta. Went home early, was tired, but caught a few minuets of Him playing on TV, starting to get into their other stuff now. Next morning, fought linnet at 40k. He wipped my ass as usual. I whined, but to be fair, he had better tactics. I used a better army selection, but I didn’t do much more then stand and shoot. If some of my early dice rolls for stuff had have been better things could have been a bit more even…but hey, that’s life. Went over to his house then into town after, Spoonies then Walkabout for a change. Took a while to get used to it, but ended up dancing to lots of cheese. Was fun, they even played Linkin Park at one point. Left at 12.30 with Matt, Ian and Lewy….and went down Ohagens. Heh, walked up those stairs, Metalica blazing away in the background, felt like coming home. Danced for a bit, then Ian headed home. Lewy went over to try and scare off some girl who was stalking him, and me and Linnet hit the dance floor with Linsey. Say a cute goth girl down there, but she looked a bit young. Matt headed off, and I went for a taxy. Couldn’t get though, so went back upstairs for a bit only to get grabbed by linsey and dragged to the dance floor. Nice girl, will have to try and hang out with her in future. Left to go to the Taxy rank, Lewy still chatting to the girl he was trying to ditch…heh. Then something unusual happened, I saw Jenny there (this is Jenny I used to go to school with, the girl id met in OHagens once). Didn’t regognise her at first, hadn’t seen her or her friends down Ohagens after all, but she came over and started chatting to me. “Hey, Ohagens guy…Michel, isn’t it?” Heh. Chatted for a bit, apparently she lives in Cov, said she comes to rugby because of ‘certain things’. Certain things or certain people I asked? Certain people, she corrected me, with a smile. Probably thought I was cracking on to her or something, which I wasn’t, just making conversation. Would have given her my wallet, phone, and place in the line if she’d asked for it tho. Conversation was cut short, her friend walked over in tears. We said goodby, then a taxi pulls up and I got in and drove off. Damm shame she’s got a guy, exactly my type in looks and personality, but I would never try to split a couple up. Oh well, might see her again some time, could be fun. Gonna throw mum off the net now so I can play GC, then bed. Been a good weekend. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 30th, 2004
10:11 pm	Back 30/06/04 I should probably point out that most of the time im only going to write in this journal when ive had a very bad day or am pissed off for some reason, hence anyone reading it in a few million years time may not get a fantastic picture of my life. Anyway, today was better. Ran into Simon this morning, he offered to come over and help out as they’re over staffed where he’s working. Told my supervisor, but he turned him down. Thought up a new theory on theology and science; Science needs a type of faith to belive in it as well (all science after all, is just theoretical, nothing is 100% certain), and with the closed-minded conviction some people belive in things like evolution, dosen’t science in itself become a religion? But a religion that serves man and that man has control over, rather then a religion that serves god. In any case, Mum still wants me to quit at the end of the week even if it picks up, mainly because she dosen’t like picking me up. I don’t see what all the fuss is about, it only realy adds 10 mins onto the journey if len was ever on time to pick me up. Oh well, will go see Debby tomorrow. (Comment on this)
Monday, June 28th, 2004
10:10 pm	Backdated 28/06/04 Listening to an interesting track on the radio, sounds like an Amy Lee duo with some guy. Sounds nice. Work today was crap. Feet didn’t hurt so much, but the other guy gets all the kewl jobs; im stuck filling friggin boxes all day long. Sat down for 5 secs while sorting out a form and my boss lays into me. No way I’m staying there very long. Went and played pool with Matt and Barney, was good. Think I was paranoid the other day, feeling a lot better about things now after our talk. Turns out Matt thinks im copying Mauly in my dress sence tho. He might have a point. More confident about things in the future tho, but have to get on and organise some stuff, like gigs and camping and movies. That reminds me, call Losh tomorrow. Kinda worried about loosing Matt too quickly tho, will have to organise some kewl stuff quick. Lara’s back tonite, doing Lara-type things. I don’t approve, but since when has she ever listened to me? Lena’s been a right bitch as well, god I hope she grows out of that. Decided to quit work after the end of this week if things don’t pick up. That will have to do for tonight, want a quick game before I crash. (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 27th, 2004
9:26 pm	Backdated I’ve decided to write a diary, for rather conventional reasons actually. I know lots of people, but none I’m really able to talk about personal matters too. There’s my older sister, but she has her own problems and I hate always calling her when I’m depressed. There’s my little sister; in some ways we are very similar, much more similar then I’d realised until yesterday. Then there are some friends at uni, Ed used to understand me I think, but...there are many reasons why we’ve drifted apart I guess, and that’s a full entry in itself. I don’t have time for that now, Muse is on. There’s Tom, but ive never really talked to him about this crap before, and a long distance phone call at midnight seems like a rather daft place to start. He’d think me weird. He would be right. There are some friends I know in rugby, Matt in particular, but my differences from them are some of the reasons that pushed me into writing this piece of self-indulgent post-teenaged angst. I almost feel like I’m approaching cross-roads in my life, after this summer it will never be the same again. Many of my friends have graduated from uni, Ian, Lewy, Linnet. Those three who I feel I identify with the most, Linnet got me through sixth form. But now their no longer students, and within a few months, will be starting adult lives, getting jobs, moving away. Linnet I’ll probably keep in touch with, Mauly I’ll probably never see again, same for lewy (although maybe I’ll run into his ex in the industry one day). Where dose this leave me I wonder? Next Christmas when I come home, some of my friends will be around…but they will be gone. I guess this will force me into growing up some as well, without them I’ll probably spend more and more time away from home. But these things can wait for another time, because at the moment time is one thing I lack. The thing that fired me off into writing this was my experience with my friends today. Now, I’ve always been socialy paranoid, please bare that in mind, but sometimes I can’t ignore my feelings of isolation. Socially im terrible, I always have been. The reasons for this delve deep into my personal history, which I won’t go into now, sufficed to say ive always been terrible at making myself heard clearly and also remembering names and faces. But sometimes I wonder if what I say and how I say it annoys people and they just don’t want to acknowlage me. Like I said, paranoid. The reasons for sparking off this particular rant is a discussion about women at O’Hagens on Friday night between Linnet and Lewy. They’d been chatting to various girls while I hadn’t been dancing, and being rather single and desperate for a girl from the rock I tried to involve myself in the conversation, but they were more interested in talking about their experiences then in answering questions. This frustrated me even more, as one of the few girls I talked to that they had been discussing considers one ‘the lovely one’ and the other ‘the cute tall one’ and me ‘….who are you again?’, dispite having met me on none less then a dosen occasions in the past. This is rather depressing. I guess its my own fault at the end of the day, I need to talk to these women as well. I’ve never been able to walk up to strangers and talk, which is probably why im single. But I digress, it’s late and I have an early start tomorrow. I haven’t talked about everything I want to, but this might do for now. Setting the scene, laying the growndwork for hours upon hours of badly spelt, angst ridden, self analysis. Im hoping to see Matt and Ian again after work tomorrow, maybe I can sort out some of my shit then. Maybe I’ll cock it up and make a hash of it, or maybe they won’t be interested in listening. Who knows. (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 12th, 2004
10:14 pm	Backdated Its been a long time since I’ve written in this journal. Largely, the reason is that I came to university and my life changed. With this change, I failed to keep a place in my life to record these things, but now I know better. I was talking with Alex last night about things, of art and music and the world we live in. We always tend to have conversations that verge on the profound, and I learn much form him about art and its definitions. I find I talk to him about things, art and philosophy that are important things to consider, but which I rarely touch upon with other people. I think he enjoys them. I make him laugh sometimes with what I come out with, and sometimes I suspect I frustrate him too. But he is a good friend, and I hope that next year I may see more of him. I will see more of him. But things change and move forward. I must endeavour to keep up. I’m still single, and I am consumed with one question. Why? I posted my picture on hotornot.com. The height of vanity, yes, but I wanted to know; am I attractive? At last I looked, I was 5.9. Not bad, hotter then 54% of the rest of the guys on the site, someware in the middle. I was initially disappointed, but that was just vanity. We all seacretly like to think of ourselves as sexual predators, able to influence the minds of others, but really its all rubbish. I should have known better then this, from my sexual experiences in life it should be clear I am no Brad Pitt. Foolish of me, hopefully I am beyond it now. It makes me sad when I look around however, and I see so many happy couples walking arm in arm. I wonder if I will ever be like them. I hope so, but I suspect I won’t. At the end of the day, I am a loner. I do enjoy the company of my friends and new people I might meet, but I always need some space to retreat into. I’m not sure why, but I suspect it has something to do with my childhood. I have things to do now, but I will continue with this journal in future days. I have decided it is important not just to think things, but to write them down as well. I have a poor memory, and it would not do to think of something incredibly profound only to forget it a few days later. This means this journal will likely become a non-sensical accumulation of random thoughts and feelings, but I suspect that is the nature of a journal anyway. I wonder if anyone will ever read this. (Comment on this)
Monday, June 7th, 2004
10:13 pm	Backdated 15/07/04 Have been pretty tardy writing in this thing for a while, been busy, haven’t had time to sit back and angst over things. Whats happened since I last wrote…finished that annoying job, went to the Grand Prix with dad. Was an experience to be sure, me and dad chatted away. We never seem to have particually animated discussions, I try to bring up subjects he might be interested in but he never seems to get that passionate about them. I guess we’re too similar to realy strike sparks in conversation. Oh well, was good fun for sure. Think Dad enjoyed most of it too, at least he made an effort to get involved with things, although maybe that was for my benefit. What else…oh yes. Lara. Was Lara’s graduation, and from it I think I learned many important things. First, I don’t like following my parents around. Not anymore. When im totally dependant on them like that, I come when they call me, I go where they send me, I follow them round like a lost puppy. I hate feeling like that when im around strangers, especially young women, I feel the need to be independent and assertive. All part of growing up I guess. I also learned I don’t like the person my sister has become. She’s fallen, fallen so far it would kill mum and dad if they ever found out. She’s still my sister on the inside, and I will always love her for that, but what she’s become on the outside…dosen’t bare thinking about. I also learned my little sister feels the same way. In fact, her distrust of Lara and her possie was her main reason for turning down Adams advances. Fair enougth. She’s very concerned about Lara, and so am I. I want to confront her with lena when she’s next up, for all the good it will do. It may be worthless, but we have to try. Together, maybe we can force something. Work is giving me issues. They haven’t paid me for 8.5 hours per day, but 8 hours. That sux. Haven’t found anything new yet, guess I should pull something toghther for the next few weeks. Have some cash handy, but it won’t last me long with what I want to get. But where to go? Asda with Matt maybe, but that means getting up at 6am. Still, 7.28/hr…. but how much flexibility is there in that? As much as any job, I guess… Was surprised to talk to Matt and Barney tonight tho. When I asked where Simon was, Matt said he didn’t realy hang out with us anymore, did he? I got strange reminders of timmy, splitting away to his ‘cool’ friends. I don’t want that to happen to my mates, not yet. But then Barney said he never realy liked Simon anyway. That surprised me, after 5, 6 years of friendship. But I guess Ravi was the glue that linked those two together, like GnR, take one person apart and the rest fragment. I’m not going to let that happen to us. Had a nice conversation with Losh tho, always nice to talk to her. (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 6th, 2004
10:13 pm	Backdated 6/07/04 Tuseday, and work is really getting dull now. Can’t wait to finish on Thursday, got a bit of money now, can afford to vege out for a few days and hang with my friends. Keep replaying that meeting with Jenny in my mind, wondering if there was any way I could have made a good impression, chatted her up or something. Its all a little pointless I guess, she seems pretty settled with her guy. But shes just soooooo cute. Trying to figure out her motivation over talking to me in the first place, guess she saw me on my own there and was curious. Maybe she just wanted to nick my cab. Either way, ill never know. Time for sleep. (Comment on this)